


speak the language of love like you know what it means

by buries



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: F/M, Gen, Halloween, M/M, Post-Canon, Shipoween 2019 - The Halloween Ship Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27167437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buries/pseuds/buries
Summary: Patrick wants to celebrate Halloween. David does not. It's too bad for David that everyone else wants to.
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose, Patrick Brewer & Alexis Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Stevie Budd & David Rose, Theodore "Ted" Mullens & David Rose, Theodore "Ted" Mullens/Alexis Rose
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13
Collections: Shipoween 2020 - The Halloween Ship Exchange!





	speak the language of love like you know what it means

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elegantstupidity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegantstupidity/gifts).



> Happy Shipoween to elegantstupidity! I absolutely loved your prompts and can only hope that this hits the spot of what you wanted for your Shipoween. I really enjoyed writing this for you. ♥
> 
> Title is from Tina Turner's Simply the Best. This is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. This is set post-canon, and it can be a year, two years, five years after the finale—whenever you like. I hope you enjoy!

"No."

"David—"

"Nuh uh, _no._ Mhm, nope." Lifting his hand, he gestures _no_ with his finger. The mere _taste_ of Halloween in his store makes his stomach curdle and something really gross begins to saturate his mouth. "As co-owner of this store and as the person with the name _on_ the store…" Pinching his lips, David closes his eyes and winces. "No."

Patrick crosses his arms and has the audacity to _smile._

David narrows his eyes suspiciously, arms crossed tightly against his chest. He arches his brow and juts his hip in what he hopes is an incredibly intimidating posture. "Why are you smiling?"

Patrick laughs, "Am I suddenly not allowed to smile?"

"No, that’s banned from my store, too."

Patrick chuckles. "You’re being ridiculous, David."

" _Me?_ I’m being ridiculous? _Me?_ " David slaps his hand against his chest soundly and instantly regrets the intensity behind it. "I’m sorry, am I the one who wants to throw a business-breaking reputation ruining _Halloween harvest_ in my own store? I don’t think so."

"It’ll be fun! Come on, David… Please?" Patrick takes a step towards him and David only steps away, much to his husband’s amusement. "We should do something for Halloween. I overheard Ronnie—"

"Oh, I see what this is." David narrows his eyes at Patrick. "You want to impress Ronnie by destroying the heart of our store!"

"I didn’t really think you were being ridiculous before, but now I do. I want to have fun, David. This is our chance to do something new, spice things up."

His gasp only urges Patrick to laugh louder. David’s skin heats up, flushing a vibrant red. "Nothing needs to be spiced up! We are not doing a Halloween harvest. End of conversation!"

Patrick sighs, lips still curved in a smile. "Okay, fine. We won’t do a Halloween harvest. I’m going out."

"Can you get me a tea and a bagel?"

Patrick shakes his head. "No."

*

Of course, Patrick brings him a bagel and a tea. Patrick brings him anything his heart desires. It’s why they’re such a great partnership. Patrick brings him things and David takes those things.

This works. This is going to work. Rose Apothecary will maintain its sophistication while the rest of the town drowns in cobwebs and ugly pumpkins. Orange was never his colour.

*

The bells above Rose Apothecary’s door jingle loudly—much more loudly than usual. The jingling is accompanied by harsh footsteps and heels clacking dangerously heavy against the wooden floor. David thinks to lift his head up from the register and his phone to inform the stomper of the fact he just had these floors polished when he smells her.

That’s kind of creepy, right? He can identify her by scent? But it’s not his fault she drowns herself in her perfume like her soap doesn’t do the job.

Keeping his head down, he ignores the way Alexis hovers over him. Her nails have been manicured and painted a lovely red, and all he wants to do is touch them to annoy her.

" _Um_ , why did you not call me and only me when you decided you were going to throw a Halloween harvest, David?"

Peering up at her, he looks at her incredulously. "I’m sorry, what?"

"Hello! It’s me, Alexis from Alexis Rose Communications!" She slaps her hand against her chest. "In order for your harvest to be a success, you have to communicate it and _I_ am a certified communicator."

Arching his brow, he shakes his head. "I have no idea what you’re talking about."

She taps her fingers loudly against the countertop. "It’s not really great to have only a few hours notice, David, but remember how I got Mom into that con within ten minutes? I can work with this."

"I’m sorry…" David blinks at her, arching his brow as he looks at her as if she’s grown a second head. " _What_ are we talking about here?"

"Ugh!"

Standing to his full height, he crosses his arms against his chest and smiles at her. "I like how I haven’t seen you in person in three months and the first thing you do when you arrive is accuse me of a reputation-breaking Halloween harvest. It’s like you don’t know me at all. I’m actually offended."

Alexis juts out her bottom lip in a mockery of him. "Poor _wittle_ David." Quickly, she moves around to the other side of the register and holds her hands out for him to leap into her arms. He holds his hands up to repel her away, but she takes that as her invitation to wrap her arms around him and pulls him tightly to her.

"Have you been benching staplers, Alexis? You’re kind of squeezing the life out of me here."

"Shut up and let me hug you, David."

He smiles.

*

Stepping into the office of the Rosebud motel is… an experience.

David stands at the door, eyebrows arched as he glances around at the cobwebs, pumpkins, skeletons and… is that meant to be the grim reaper? He can barely move within the room and he hasn’t even stepped over the threshold. 

"Hey," he says, teeth pressed together as he regards the room with disgust.

Stevie only smiles. "If it isn’t the grinch that stole Halloween.

As Stevie closes her book, David approaches the front desk tentatively on the tips of his toes. There’s stuff _everywhere_! What if he steps on one of those gross, overgrown fake spiders and it bleeds all over his shoe? He could get a disease. Oh, god, he doesn’t want to become Spider-man today.

Resting his hands delicately on the counter, he purses his lips and inhales deeply when he feels goo wet his fingers. He clears his throat and looks at Stevie with a soured look. "You look… ghoulish."

"And you look like you sucked a lemon," she says cheerily. 

"So…" David clears his throat. He eyes her for a moment, wondering just when his best friend sold her soul over to the devil. Lowering his voice, he whispers, "I take it Patrick told you."

"Mhm," Stevie nods. "He told me."

"And is this…" He gestures around to the office and finds his fingers get caught in a thick string of cobweb. "Um… Was this Patrick’s idea?"

"Nope," Stevie says with a shake of her head. She folds her arms against the counter and looks at him like he’s a comedy show. "This was all your dad. Mr Rose wanted to celebrate Halloween this year."

David scrunches up his face. "What?"

"I think he’s going to dress up as Hugh Hefner… Did you see his bathrobe? He’s been showing everyone…"

"Ew." Holding up a finger, he lifts a second to quietly countdown everything that’s wrong with everything this motel chooses to be. " _Ew._ I don’t—no. No, I don’t need to know this nor do I believe it."

"Oh," Stevie chuckles throatily. "Believe it, David. Halloween is coming to Schitt’s Creek again."

"What do you mean _again_?"

She arches her brow as she looks at him like he’s stupid. Granted, that’s how she always looks at him, but he feels it actually affect him this time. She blinks at him and says calmly, "It’s an annual festival."

"I know that!" He doesn’t know that. Since when did it become an annual festival?

"So, then… why are you asking?"

"Because!" Pressing his lips together angrily, he growls low in this throat. "I am not doing Halloween this year! Rose Apothecary is the only store that’s not observing this holiday."

Stevie laughs so loudly it frightens him.

" _What?_ "

He doesn’t storm out of the office—he doesn’t have anywhere else to go, and he’s forgotten what Patrick wanted for lunch, so… he’s kind of hoping his husband merely forgets he asked him to fetch him something—but he does glare and refuses to talk to Stevie as she laughs loudly and for a long, long time in his face.

*

" _Da_ vid!" 

Wasn’t the purpose of him buying his own house was to get away from all the screeching? What David doesn’t do it let himself admit that he missed this. The loudness of his mother and the absence of his father and sister leaving him to deal with her and her very confusing and theatrical whims.

Mom screeches for him again, louder this time. She caws like that’s meant to summon him. He’s not a goddamn crow.

He walks over to the door combining their two motel rooms and opens it with a flourish. When he sees Moira on the other side, she’s wearing a… witch’s costume? It’s black, with sharp-looking shoulder pads and a short skirt. Her black pumps have a square heel.

"David! What do you think of my hair? Should I got with black, red or blonde?" She holds out three long and thick wigs that remind him of Cousin It. None of those wigs have ever belonged on a hook in Moira Rose’s wig closet.

It can only mean one thing. His mother has finally lost it.

"Um…" David sucks in his lips and clasps his hands together in front of him. As politely as he can, he asks, "Have you lost your mind?"

His mother’s too busy eyeing all three wigs. They honestly look heavy and _wrong_ in this room. His mother would never wear wigs like that. Never. 

She looks at him with a pout. "What ever do you mean? I thought I looked very bewitching."

"That’s one way of putting it."

The front door opens abruptly with the finesse of Johnny Rose. "Oh, hey David," he says awkwardly. His eyes are wide and his brows look a bit bushier. If David didn’t know any better, he’d think his father was hiding something in them.

"Dad," David greets him. "So… Mom’s lost her mind."

"Which wig, Johnny?" Moira turns to her husband, holding out all three wigs. "I want to be bewitching for the Hallow’s Eve festivities tonight."

"Um…" Johnny looks between all three wigs, thick brows knitting together. He takes far too long, in which Moira looks up at him longingly and almost impatiently. Her fingers grip the unfamiliar wigs with care and sharpness.

"David? A little help?"

Holding up his hands, David shakes his head and begins to walk slowly back into his room. "No. I’m not going to be a part of this… whatever it is. Besides, we all know black will make her look like Morticia and blonde will make her look like a very concerning version of Jocelyn. So."

He closes the door slowly and gently between them.

*

Is the universe against him? 

He peers up at the ceiling of the apothecary that’s covered in thick grey webbings. He can barely see the lights. The windows have been frosted over and have red paint smeared across the glass that makes it look like someone’s been murdered inside. And maybe someone has. David’s soul feels like it’s dying.

How did they even get all of this crap in here so fast? He was only gone for four hours.

He looks around his store and sees spiders in the corners and on the register. Frankenstein looms in the shadows behind the register and Patrick… He looks grey and almost dead in his ashen makeup. Are those bolts on the sides of his neck? Christ. David doesn't know what to do with this new information or the fact that he finds Patrick really, really attractive looking like this.

He looks good as a dead Victor Frankenstein, but that’s beside the point.

"I thought I told you _no!_ "

"I swear I didn’t do it," Patrick says with a laugh. David knows he did it. He may not have decided where everything went—Patrick, for all his incredible sense of style and business advice, is not good at decorating—but David knows he stood there and watched. An accomplice in the murder of their store, of their _baby._

He can see who had a hand in all of this.

As if _he_ is the bewitching witch, the mere thought seems to summon her. The bells above the door jingle.

"David!" Alexis’ voice is high and light from behind him. He won’t lie, his heart swells at the sound of her. He’s missed her since they’d all parted ways. "Why are you not in costume?"

And then he finds he doesn’t miss her at all. The hand on her hip and the jut of said hip still frightens him.

David turns around with an incredulous look. "I’m sorry, what?"

Alexis is dressed as Sandy from _Grease_ with a tight, black outfit, black pumps, and wild, blonde hair. Her eyes are dolled up with smokey eyeshadow and her lips look blood-red. 

He bursts out laughing.

*

It takes him two hours to get dressed in his costume. David wishes he could say that he’d spent that long trying to dress up in a bout of stubbornness, but… Alexis hardly knows how to dress him. After all, she wants the collar of his pilot outfit _up._

The motel is a mess of cobwebs and outfits. She’d gone out of her way to buy him almost every costume in every shop across the state. Her suitcase may be filled with shoes and handbags, but it was also filled with something for him.

It’d be sweet if she wasn’t so annoying about it.

Standing in front of the mirror of the tiny bathroom, he tries to elbow her away. For someone so small, she takes up so much room.

"Maverick would wear it up, David!"

"No, he wouldn’t! Have you ever seen the movie?"

"Um, _yes._ " Alexis rolls her eyes. Her long fingers tug at his collar and pinch his neck. "I had a private viewing with Tom when they remastered the film."

He lowers his collar much to her aggravation. David smiles, wrapping his hand in hers. "So, where’s Danny, Sandy?"

"Ted refused to dress up as Danny," she says. Alexis reaches up to pull at his collar, to which he flattens it down. "So, he’s going to go as Ted. Which is fine, I like Ted."

David tugs her out of the bathroom. Looking behind him, he smiles at Alexis, still dressed up and looking as impeccable as ever as Sandy. "I like Ted, too. You know what else I like? My collar down."

"Ugh!"

*

Schitt’s Creek is dolled up in Halloween decorations from one end of the town to the other. Skeletons linger in front of houses, cobwebs line the streets, looping through the powerlines. The street has dollops of red and skulls drawn all over it. He is convinced someone has been murdered tonight. Some of the pools of blood look so real.

Even though David does his best to look as soured and turned off as possible, he smiles. Alexis’ hand is in his as she walks with him through the town, picking up two hollow pumpkins and informing him it’s for their candy.

"I wasn’t aware we were twelve years old," he says.

"One of us is," she says, smiling brightly up at him.

He keeps her hand locked in his when a group of ghouls come charging at them. He won’t admit it, but he is a little afraid—less so with her hand in his.

It takes them forever to walk towards the Apothecary. The lights are on, but it looks more haunted than before. The store seems like a bloodbath of darkness and red, with cobwebs lining the door.

"Did the town over order on cobwebs or something?"

"Hush, David."

Patrick steps out of the store in his ghoul make-up. He looks ravishing for someone who looks halfway to dead. David lets go of Alexis’ hand and walks up to him.

"So, you’re… that guy."

"Victor Frankenstein," Patrick says with a smile. "You know, from the book?"

Narrowing his eyes, David shakes his head. "No. I didn’t read that book. I put it under another book and then said I read it when I didn’t."

Patrick only smiles. "And the truth comes out."

Alexis pokes at his back. "I didn’t even know you knew how to read, David."

"Shut up, Alexis."

*

Sitting on the stoop of Twyla’s incredibly long cafe name, he holds his husband’s hand and watches as the people of Schitt’s Creek pass by. He sees Roland in an Austin Powers costume that’s going to scar him for days to come, and he watches as his mother and father dance their way through the streets like it’s a red carpet. He smiles, feeling warm on the inside—and a bit warm considering the heat lamps Twyla insists on having stationed on the sides of her cafe. Apparently, it's meant to create a spooky atmosphere for the cafe.

He doesn’t offer Alexis any of his candy when she comes by and pouts at him. Apparently, people don’t feel inclined to give candy to someone who’s over four feet.

"Did you think Ted came from work?"

Patrick purses his lips as he watches Ted and Alexis walk away, hand in hand, Sandy and her… vet, apparently.

"Nah. His work uniform is usually a lighter blue." Patrick leans over and nudges David with his elbow gently. "Don’t you pay attention to this?"

"I can safely say I do not."

"What a shock, David doesn’t pay attention." Stevie drops down beside him. She’s dressed in a bright red with a short skirt and very questionable stockings. At their stares, she shrugs, "What?" She tugs at her skirt self-consciously. "I didn't want to be a ghoul."

"I just, um…" David sucks in his bottom lip and tries not to laugh. "Little Red Riding Hood?"

"It’s the only costume they had left at the store," she says with an aggravated sigh. Her cheeks are a lovely tinge of pink.

"At what store?" he says with amusement. He wants to see her skin heat into a nice red that matches her outfit. "The short skirts are us?"

Stevie looks at him, eyes narrowed. She shakes her head disapprovingly. "That was not your best work."

"I know," he sighs. "I’m just so overwhelmed with the huffing and puffing."

Patrick laughs. "Wrong wolf story, David."

David elbows him sharply. "You’re supposed to be on _my_ side!"

*

Arm in arm, all three of them slowly walk along the streets of the town. Patrick holds his pumpkin carrier for him, only a quarter of the way filled with treats. At one point, Alexis reappears and threads her arm easily through Patrick’s like she has been doing that for a lifetime. David shares a warm smile with her before he witnesses Patrick offer Ted a candy he didn’t earn _at all._

When the clock strikes midnight—and no big town clock does, considering Roland still hasn’t gotten it fixed—a chorus of _oooos_ appear out of nowhere. David looks around, fright swelling in his chest. Feet thump against the ground in a very obviously rehearsed beat.

A herd of ghosts, skeletons and ghouls appear out from all corners of the town. A familiar song begins to play loudly from speakers across the streets.

"Oh my god! It’s our dance!" Alexis unwraps her arm from Patrick’s and Ted’s and skips out in front of the group. "Come on, David!" She doesn’t wait for him as she runs out towards the group of zombies that begin to slap their feet against the pavement. Vincent Price’s voice is a warm, spooky introduction to what he isn’t sure is going to be a clusterfuck of a flash mob.

David hesitates. "I don’t know…"

"Come on, David," Ted says. He breaks off from the group, too, walking ahead. He walks backwards as he grins lopsidedly at them, and David can see why Alexis loves him so much. "It’s after midnight, and something evil’s lurking in the dark."

"It’s kind of cute when you do that," David says, still hesitating. He watches as Ted looks over his shoulder and laughs at Alexis' theatrical hand movements. She begins to stomp her feet delicately on the road, mindful of her shoes.

David leans closer to Patrick and whispers, "I don’t really like zombies."

"But you like Michael Jackson, right?" Patrick says, nudging him.

"And you like to let loose, right?" Stevie’s hand pushes at the small of his back. "Or are you just uptight and not fun?"

"I"m _fun!_ "

"And you love Alexis, right?" Ted smiles, knowing he’s gotten him. David does love Alexis. When he looks beyond her boyfriend, he can see her happily sidestepping with the zombies.

With a deep breath in, he chooses his fate. 

"No one record this!" He points menacingly at all of them. Reaching for a candy from his pumpkin, he unwraps it and tosses the wrapper back inside. He chews it quickly and with a determination that could crack his teeth if he'd picked the hard candy instead. Just because he’s going to be fun doesn’t mean he has to litter.

David’s slow to join the throng of dancers. When Alexis spots him, she breaks out from the group and runs to him, tugging him to the front line as they begin to advance upon the town slowly and in time with the music.

Hesitant at first, it’s with her hand in his that he begins to step into place, hanging his head over the side and acting like he’s a zombie Maverick.

"It's thriller, David! Come on!" Alexis begins to sing loudly at the top of her lungs, out of tune and incredibly screechy. He looks around and sees that no one cares. No one's looking at Sandy singing horribly off-key. It's his sister's hand in his and her yelling the lyrics out without a care that encourages him to murmur the lines under his breath.

He’s laughing and singing, holding Alexis’ hand. He doesn’t know when the rest of them join, or when his mother and father decide that they’d make a good pair of zombies, too. His mother is a vibrant witch with red hair and his dad did go ahead with the robe and bunny slippers. They hold their hands out as they dance to the chorus of _Thriller_ , Moira unsurprisingly in time with the music while Johnny turns left when everyone else goes right. Ronnie even happily dances next to Patrick, even though David knows it’ll be a short-lived alliance, forgotten tomorrow morning.

Stevie, of course, records it all, even with her shoddy attempts at a selfie-recording as she joins in on the dancing.

It’s his best first Halloween he’s had in his entire life. He pops the collar of his pilot costume and hears Alexis’ laughter above the music.


End file.
